In the courtroom today for my dads trial, i couldn’t stop crying. I knew he was gunna go back soon but we were getting close again. I saw him and picked him up everyday to drive him places. He’d call me all the time and those few times i ignored the calls cos i was too tired or didnt wanna talk, now i regret. I know its not a forever thing, and he hasnt even gotten his sentence yet, but it kills me that he’s going back this time. Unlike my mom, my dad does whatever he can for me. He’d give me his last dollar for some lunch money no matter how many times id say i didnt need it. He actually cares about me mentally rather than the greediness of my mom and aunt. Thats all i need. Idc about money. I just want someone to care about my feelings. My dad does.

Walking in the courtroom, i couldnt recognize my dad. The inmates face forward and the people sit behind them. I couldnt find him. I looked and looked and since i couldnt see faces, it was harder. I finally found him.. I just couldnt hold in my tears. I moved around, coughed a bunch. I got yelled at by a cop because i sat in wrong areas. I just wanted my dad to notice i was there.. I knew he didnt expect anyone there for him. When he saw me, i just waved, straightfaced with tears all down my cheeks. He just stared before putting his head in his hands. He finally recognized me.

But this guy didnt look like my dad at all.. He was bald, my dad always had curly brown hair just like me. He was in those orange jumpsuits.. And he had stitches all along the side i could see of his scalp. Those werent there before. Why did the cop have to bring him a tissue saying that his head was bleeding on the other side that i couldnt see? Why did the judge have to “consider his medical condition” before giving him his sentence? Why did my dad look so weak getting off the bench and why did he have to use a walker to leave the courtroom? Last time i saw him, he was fine. Giving me hugs and a big kiss on the cheek while i refused to kiss his cheek, just the day before he was taken from me. Why cant i get the image of my dad getting beat by a cops baton and hauled off to jail? Why cant i stop thinking about him missing his little girls prom and graduation? Why am i so shocked this time when this has happened all my life? Why doesnt he love me enough to stop? Why do i feel like its my fault? Why does he love me too much to call to tell me hes in jail? Why did he have to go? Why is this time so different? Why am i feeling this so much? Why do i have to go on as daddys little girl without my daddy …

I love him to death. I need him.

I have nothing in stockton for me now. Besides that jail holding my dad.

i know what its like to be alone.